Freed by 50

(I’m going full stream of consciousness again. I think the long, cold, rainy early spring is getting to me. I’m going to try not to skew too negative and be grateful at some point.)

Feed the fish, feed the dog, feed the kids, feed the fucking sourdough, feed myself at some point, but it’s gotten cold again. We just had breakfast, but I have to decide what to take out for dinner. What sides go with that? Can we fit dinner between lacrosse and gymnastics and religion and this week’s school dance? Who knows?!

I want to live a long life (Are you scared of death because you wont be able to do these things anymore? Asks Marcus Aurelius), so I have to try to stay fit. I have to work out daily despite not seeing gains. I have to eat well and pay attention to what I’m drinking. I need to take vitamins and supplements, well I guess I don’t need to, I can afford to and it seems to help.

I have to be conscious of being a good father. I have to be fun but firm, to lead and guide. I have to protect them and prepare them for life. I have to watch my mouth. They need food and clothes and attention. So much attention. There’s three of them. Three is a lot. I want to have more time to have catches and to watch games. How the hell do the other dads spend so much time watching games with them? I get to be home with them, but I never get time to be home with me.

My wife needs to know that I love her (even when she keeps me up all night looking at her phone). She needs to know how much I couldn’t do all of this without her. I try every day. I should be trying harder, but we’re both so run down so many days. It sounds like we’re out working the mines every day. I sit at a desk.

The show must go on, every day. The kids are up early. The dishes and clothes wont wash themselves. The living room is a disaster…again…I just cleaned it. The little guy had a leak, again. Guess I’m washing his whole bed after I get him in a six AM shower. Breakfast has to be on the table by 7:45 so we can negotiate until the bus comes. Did they get their vitamins this morning? Oh, that’s right, we can’t get the prescription ones post-Covid so it was the Costco ones. I think I did those today.

Where do I have to be today? Do I have time to cut those bushes back before everything starts growing again? I guess it can wait another few days. It’s going to be 37 degrees later and the kids have practice. Guess I’ll be sick next week. We don’t have time for me to be sick. I can power through that.

I’m sick of this job, but we’re not free yet. I need to keep doing it even though I know it’s time to leave. Where the hell would I go? Is Waymo hiring? Can I even get a job there? I need to find the next thing while protecting this thing. I need to learn and grow, or do I just need to put a bunch of nonsense on my LinkedIn and hope someone comes calling? I don’t even know anymore. As long as nobody at work bothers me today I’ll just do my job and keep my head down. How many of those can I string together?

I need to create more. I haven’t written anything in weeks, or months? I don’t get a lot of time to think about it. I haven’t finished the app I was making for the kids. Or started the podcast I wanted to start. Or even looked at either of the book ideas in months. Maybe starting the garden will help. Great, more shit to keep alive.

Ok, positive, think positive. I got stuck at the DMV for nearly three hours and holy shit am I glad I don’t work there! Hang on, I can make that less insulting to DMV workers. After spending nearly three hours at the DMV my perception of my own job changed quite a bit. I get to work a job that is no longer very demanding from the comfort of my own home. I make my own hours and pick my own projects. And they keep sending checks even when they’re not using me all that much. Even when I have to work with selfish people or morons, it’s not all that hard and boy does it pay well!

Final thoughts: The rant above encompasses just one day many of us probably deal with. I don’t think I even got it all (while typing I panicked about forgetting to schedule an allergist appointment last month). They’re not kidding when they call it “the messy middle,” but the messy part of it is my life. In that last paragraph above I tried to focus on a negative experience I had last week and take some positives from it. I’m trying to do that more in life. Yes, my kids are demanding, but I get to have them and they’re healthy. Sure balancing the home and work life every day is tedious, but I have a good job and a great life.

What I really need is time to take a step back and think (period, end of sentence) about how fortunate I am to have these struggles every day.