Fair warning, this post is going up as an unpolished stream of consciousness.
I took a walk this morning. It wasn’t very long. I walked on my treadmill with the incline set to five while I read a book for 20 minutes. Reading gave me time to think. Then I got on my rower and rowed 4:10 splits for 30 minutes. Fifty minutes of cardio. I’m doing enough, but I need to do more.
Above all else I’m a father to three kids. I play with each of them alone every day. I play with all of them together every day. I’m teaching them all how to play lacrosse, something I’m uniquely qualified to do. I’ve bought them all the equipment they need, I’ve bought goals and a bounce back. We do drills at home. I’m paying for youth leagues (not travel, never travel if I can help it) year round. I’m doing enough, but I need to do more.
I love my wife. I tell her this daily. I show her this as best I can with my actions. I wish we could find a way to spend more time alone together. We try, but its hard. Nobody wants to watch three kids. I’m not getting a nanny. The time for us will come, but it’s hard. Years are passing. Here I’m truly doing just “enough” and I need to do more.
I do seven loads of laundry each week. One every day. I clean the kitchen two or three times a day. I’m constantly turning off lights, cleaning up toys, clothes, shoes, whatever the hell those little clear plastic things are that hold tags on clothes, they’re everywhere. It’s finally real Fall and the list of tasks that need doing before the freeze is a mile long. I’m chipping away at it every day. I think of Tyler Durden saying “The things you own end up owning you.” Jack Reacher is on to something. If you own clothes you need to own a dresser to put them in, which means you need to own a house to put the dresser in. It’s a slippery slope. I’m home every day. Every day I get shit done around here that would be put off to a Saturday if I commuted. How do commuters do it? I cook, I clean, I keep everything in working order, but there’s always so much more to do. I’m doing enough, but I need to do more.
I’m a mere $100k away from having a $2MM net worth, $1.25MM of it is in stock. I’ve averaged a $380k/year income for the last nine years (not including investment income and website earnings). I can save and invest money at insane levels. I can spend money too. That muscle isn’t atrophying. If I can stay at my job these next five years I’ll blow way past my savings goals. But work is hard, and getting harder. I desperately want financial independence. I’m doing enough, but I need to do more.
Work has gotten hard, and not hard in that they’re asking a lot of me or that I have to do difficult things. Hard in that I no longer believe in the mission of my department, I have no trust in my leaders, and my team was gutted leaving me with one small project. That project is a critical path for a good chunk of my company and it’s fairly high visibility, but it doesn’t excite me. At the same time, they pay me a lot of money. “A lot of money” is relative depending on your situation, but I’ve had years where I cleared half a million dollars in total compensation. That feels like a lot. My family needs me to earn money. I am not financially independent. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to risk our income because I have negative feelings about my work. My job is to provide for my family, and that currently means working as a middle manager in a software company. At least I have a good boss and work with good people. I’ve been halfheartedly looking for new roles. I’ve been trying to reach out to old coworkers on other teams. I’ve been trolling SpaceX jobs hoping to find an opportunity. Again, I’m doing enough, but I need to do more.
At the beginning of 2024 I set out a goal to start a new business or side hustle. I wanted that side hustle to be a podcast related to this site. I have a theme and a plan, but I have done nothing to start that podcast. I honestly think I’m scared. I have this idea to couple it with a book, to see if I can get guests to talk about the topic, I even have friends interested. But I haven’t taken the first steps. I’m not doing enough. I need to do more.
Freed by 50 